Good news, 29 minutes after I posted this and 18 hours of frustration, I found a fix. I hope this reaches tinkerers who need this!
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Install Particle CLI
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download two bin files:
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Place the files in the directory you will be accessing the CLI from. For example C:\Users\yourname\
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Open your command line (start + cmd). From the command line type the following particle functions and wait for them to each successfully flash:
particle flash --usb tinker-serial1-debugging-0.8.0-rc.27-boron-mono.bin
particle flash --usb boron-system-part1@1.1.0.bin
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Factory reset your Boron (hold Mode + Reset, let go of reset, wait till white, let go of Mode)
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Setup your Boron with the Particle mobile app.